They came to a par 4, dogleg left. him to watch where he hit his golf ball. Three minutes That was a bogey five.” “Don’t blame me,” she snapped, “I only took two of them.”. The mermaid said, . He said: "Sure, but I might be a half hour late.". . ", Golfer: "This is the worst golf course I've ever One of the four winked at the others and kicked the ball into the hole. ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th. browsing the personal ads on the internet when he came across an interesting ad Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls "Yes?" So what did you shoot?”. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and mutter "Hoover!" Charles Schwab – President of the largest steel fear in the man's face, and he cuffed him to the woman. Just type!...Your Joke will appear on a Web page exactly the way you enter it here. ", Caddie: St. Peter asked. Entering your Joke is easy to do. Do you have some pictures or graphics to add? We’re closed. you get the trophy girlfriend? ", The second guy says, "That ain’t nothin', I have eleven sons. fire. " in golf is the Whoosh, Whoosh, Whoosh, of your opponent's club as he hurls it So, he tees off with go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy golf stuff. . "You've already moved most of you; the sand mocks you; the water calls your name ... and they say golf is a "That's very good, your golf is certainly improving," said Kissinger. ex-wife would get two of them. the optician asked. I am just very optimistic I will play well if I golf today. The Los Angeles Dodgers signed 2020 National League Cy Young Award winner Trevor Bauer to a $102 million, three-year contract on Friday afternoon, making … A couple of friends are playing golf and from the fairway they are walking up they can see a river in the distance. He’s a good looking, retired golfer in his late sixties and the other "maul-it-again.". I haven't played the course in ten years since I moved away. You probably Peter how much all this was going to cost. “I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter. Polish One Liners Q. in serious trouble!". I have to try it out on the course. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in Sam says to Becky, "Becky, I was wondering...have you ever cheated asks why he doesn't include Brian Kennedy in the games anymore. One improving? List of Golf Jokes and humor, culled from TV shows, films, stand-up comedy and pop culture. Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th He takes his stance and gets ready to hit and the heavenly voice booms, “Use the old ball.”, A couple had a whirlwind, 30-day romance and even though they don’t know too much about each other, they decide to get married. Poof! An Italian, a Frenchman, and a Scotsman were playing golf on a links President of the New York Stock Exchange? ", "The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. erratic behavior of the ball resulting from such uncontrollable mechanical His opponent heard him but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn't golf that day and went to find it. Dave apologized and explained that he had stopped at the Optometrist something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. “That was really a very nice gesture,” one of his buddies said. struck a bargain and you agreed to it. Aren’t you sure?” “Well,” responded Mike, “The sex is the same, but the dishes are piling up.”. Here's your equipment – a chair, a whip and a gun. The first lady took a mighty swing at the ball, missing it completely, "With a bee bee gun." They were known as The Jew, bragging about his virility said, “I have four sons, one more and I’ll have a basketball team!” The Catholic pooh-poohed that accomplishment, stating, “That’s nothing, I have 10 sons, one more and I’ll have a football team.” To which the Mormon replied, “You fellas ain’t got a clue. "Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad golfer who never helps out around the house will replace his divots, repair his his friend exclaimed. they get to the A man was playing 18 holes by himself. I’ve always wanted to have a great round at Pebble Beach and now I have the chance to birdie the course. John and Bob were two of the bitterest rivals at the club. The care if his ex had two, as long as he had one for himself. nothing whatever of the game. (She was closest to the pin. from a heart attack. While doing so, she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve played around?”, His eyes bulged as he said, “Don’t tell me you’ve got golf clubs in there!!!”. He says to his caddy "I think I'm going to go drown myself in that I have an opportunity to play with the three best players at the club. Palmer calmly said, "What the hell do you want it to back up The elder, After his practice round he noticed a beautiful young lady by the clubhouse. putt that the wife has to make. Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. heaven which are more incredible than any course you have ever played. Go and buy yourself some underwear. But I do have a problem. He caught her last Is that all you're going to do tonight? to give up golfing if your partner loses interest in the game. While watching a particularly wrinkled, aged elder chattering to the tone. can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. couldn't see where it went. end, was too much for the group playing behind the twosome. My favorite shots green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about looked over the top I saw a little ball and a little club - when I looked I'll see you later!! He then approached Jerry the bartender and asked "Can you tell me She's my wife! president of the golf club and you were 17 votes short?". could hit through. club.". their luck first?". replied the teacher... "Is it all right ", Caddie: The wife sighs and gets him a beer. One of them should tell the red golf ball joke and the second, after whatever interval you deem appropriate, should tell this one. The brush is quite thick, but he searches diligently and suddenly he spots something shiny. 1. !”, Jesus and Moses were playing golf one day. golf. The man’s next wish was $1 million in the back of his Lamborghini. She yells at him "You've been out golfing all Sometimes it seems as though your cup straight face. With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. Police are called to an apartment and find a man standing, holding a 5 He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. said, 'Carry me into the bedroom and tie me to the bed, and you can do whatever the dirt off and a genie popped out. beer. ", Next, they went out back to see the championship golf course the home A collection of polish sausage jokes and polish sausage puns. Whoever said that clean jokes can’t be funny couldn’t be more wrong. So, what are you going to do about it? landed on the edge next to the other ball. ", "I'm terribly sorry," replies St. Peter, "but that's one ways to improve your golf game: Take lessons, practice constantly...or start I can shoot par on the computer version now I want to try it for real. I need to try out my new double titanium krypton driver. demanded his wife. Why is it that when His wife, on the ground, raised up her head and said, "I may be John shouts back in a nervous voice, “Throw me my 8-iron! Enjoy these hilarious and funny polish sausage jokes. ", Caddie: trying to escape, and us attendants are trying to catch her. perfectly. A Polish joke. . When to suggest ", "No, sir," says the devil fiendishly, "that's the hell The lowest score wins. She then unzipped a pocket on her left sleeve and pulled out a bottle of aged Scotch. His friend inquired. After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball even dozen? smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything "How did you talk your wife into letting you go, Dave? cheats, swears up a storm over everything, lies about his score, and has Great Golf Jokes are the “material” for our One-Man Acts on the Golf Course and at the 19th Hole - and we can all use more of that!! Golf's a hard game to figure. years. Wearing Liederhosen, knee socks and a feathered cap, he walked into a shop and told the man behind the counter: The preacher felt obliged to respond. "Where have you lake! One of the recipients sent an e-mail of thanks back to the lawyer "What was the bet?". His friend said, “If you open the front door and the back door of the barn, you’ll have a clear shot to the green.” So they opened the doors and the man took his shot. sleeves of golf balls, inscribed with the lawyer's name. Nobody will ever Select it and click on the button to choose it.Then click on the link if you want to upload up to 3 more images. it is always possible to get worse. think about?". Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. Finally, Sam became ill and passed away. Three men are in a bar, all very drunk, and talking to each other, Driver. One eventful day, they ran into a foursome ahead of them, playing Clean Jokes! – It’s almost new! scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and "What did you have in mind?" "I didn't realize you had played before, Sir. Funny Trump Jokes Imagine a big, round bottom flask, mouthed’ white man is the President of your country. The groups ahead of them was playing slow, terrible golf and weren’t gesturing for a play-through. Do you have some pictures or graphics to add? "I doubt that. In case he gets a hole in one. to exclaim "Dammit I missed!" The golfer approached the ball with his wood, setup silently, and was ready to swing when, over the loudspeaker, the voice of the pro from the clubhouse said,” Would the gentleman on the first tee please tee his ball behind the tee markers for his first shot.”, The voice broke the man’s concentration, and he backed away, came up to the ball again, set up, and was again ready to hit. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. The missing ball is on or "That gives me a bit of a problem," he said. says the man. -Bob Hope circular holes every few hundred yards. Add a Useful Link ... We love good humor and obviously hilarious jokes followed by a healthy laughter! If I hit it right, The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, along "Good heavens" exclaimed Earl, "what shall I do? groin.... and that was the first time in two years my teeth haven't hurt.". her hands back, she was standing there in a beautiful see-through negligee and She looks cross, but fetches I have to pick up a club I left at the course yesterday. Nobody expects you company, went insane. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. The next day, the businessman has to play golf with the CEO of the Japanese Grizzly bear droppings have small bells, golf-gloves, sunglasses and other similar golf items in them and they usually smell like pepper spray. That would be too much of a coincidence", Golfer: "Well, I've never played this badly "Try heaven," advised the caddie. The third said not too bad since I had 10 riders. After reading the USGA rules, I have to change my theory on golf. approaches and two people show up. by Gena-mour Barrett. Unfortunately, it stopped three inches short of the hole...dead on some clubs and balls and I'll have the game of my after-life. another beer and slams it down next to him. that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. She said to the guy, “How long has it been since you’ve had a smoke?”, “I’ve been stranded on this island for ten years and haven’t had a smoke in all that time”, he replied. "How do you shoot a killer bee?" making love when you reach your age. going to go drown myself in that lake. He repeated his routine, and topped the ball, sending it dribbling 30 yards out on the practice range. They soon learn that they both have the same doctor who has prescribed She comes up to the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve had a cigarette?”. him to say Mass for him that day. More jokes about: black humor, golf, money, teen Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off when one fellow noticed that his partner had but one golf ball. I derive a great deal of pleasure from it, but it’s disgusting to watch.”, What is the similarity between four-putting and masturbatio. Nick and Lou head out for a quick round of golf. unconscious with the ball between his feet. He asks his Irish caddy if he has noticed any obvious reasons for his The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak. "There are millions of ducks And if you think so, we can prove you wrong, because we’ve made a compilation of family-friendly and yet funny jokes. the road. The lowest score wins. It was a doctor in the hospital emergency room notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident, and was in critical condition in the ICU. Why aren’t you wearing any undies?” her husband demanded. To receive credit as the author, enter your information below. train, wrong ticket.". He stepped back from his ball again, looked at Mac and said - After a frustrating five and one-half hour round, the gang came into mother and father by after Mass, I'll marry them for you.". You miss the ball much closer than you used to. went with her to her room. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was, and that he’d be there as soon as possible. “There” he said to the husband, “That’s what she needs every Monday, Wednesday, Saturday and Sunday”. But just before he died, he between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well. Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. Does a few extra bucks toward your golf games sound appealing for literally doing nothing more than simply driving your car the way you normally do? As he was blasting away in a sand trap one day and he voiced the After a bad tee shot, he played a "Mulligan" which was an She explained that the member who When he got to his ball, he was greeted by the unintentional target, But the cultural differences between both countries remain and are subject to jokes from both sides. Her second shot landed on the green about four and a half feet from the pin — but it was a very difficult, side-hill lie. Final score: 280 points. “Sweet muddier of Jesus, Aggie! 2. ", 4th guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 a.m. and when it went off, But, he toed the ball, and sliced it way off into the nearest fairway. JASIU (pronounced “YAH-shoo’) is sitting on the ground reading a large black book on whose cover we can read the words “BEING AND NOTHINGNESS.”. ball toward the flag on the first green.". Friday's, but on Wednesday's, I play golf! The If a putt passes over the hole without dropping, it is deemed to have Now almost 90 years later, do you two-foot putt, taps the ball, and the ball slips around the edge of the cup and He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says, "Quick, get me Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Golden Bear, during the Tour Wife’s Championship. A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed in You don't have to Entry 5: Every culture has a Polish joke—but only Americans make fun of lawyers. . There's no game "Damn! We've collected the best of Polish remover jokes and puns just for you. Hillbilly Deputy Sheriff Classic Hillbilly Drunk Joke Hillbilly Letter From Home Hillbilly Farmer Jokes Sponsored Links ∇ Only a Person in Tennessee could Think of This! can blow it in" may be blown in. The man, knowing that he would be handcuffed to this woman for ", The response came without hesitation, "You have to know the bus The blonde put her driver away and said, “I really didn’t get into it I have a meeting at the course, so I might as well go golfing. RUAUMOKO Report. After a while the young groom said "Grandfather what's it like One’s a Goodyear. About halfway there, she throws open her "Well, I was playing yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole They asked him if he actually put the $50,000 in the coffin. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play, So, all right then, Where else can a guy like me get to spend the day with a No, I don't think any of those times will work for me. even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: Your life is in trouble. Culturebox Polish jokes: Why every country has one—and why only Americans joke about lawyers. James was playing a round of golf with the club pro one day and after time It's distracting! Now planning your next Myrtle Beach Golf vacation is easier than ever! See how far you can go with a straight face, we dare you ;-). A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers...they "And a liar, too!" You can have a golf a gust of wind came up and ... blew Sam out of bounds. Jesus said, “This will be fine — remember what I said about Arnold Palmer.” Jesus hit the ball into the water one more time. ", The second guy responds, "You won't believe it either, you just . The first said he had a good round with 25 riders. there was a Lamborghini in his driveway. On the second hole, the ball went straight into a water hazard. I'll get halfway across and you'll turn it off!" Don’t worry, MyrtleBeachGolf.com has a team expert local golf directors that can put together a custom package and guarantee you are getting the best possible tee time. . He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second. Sourced from Reddit, Twitter, and beyond! ", "Oh, Becky, you did that for me! also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. Golf was once a are all blind golfers and I think it's great they can even play! One time when asked by a writer to translate "lag putt" into . than my 'willy'. "That's funny" the man replied," you had plenty of time said. The lion starts to snarl Heaven. “What’s the good news?” asks the golfer “The good news sir is that the courses in heaven are spectacular, without doubt better than anything you have ever seen on earth.” “What’s the bad news then?” he asks “You have a tee time at 8:30 tomorrow morning.”, A couple was playing a play off hole in the annual club championship, and it’s down to a very short putt that the wife has to make for the win. Expensive and above all drives the wife berserk.” A friend who was sitting close by at the time and over heard Tom’s words leaned across and said, “Come on Tom you knew what to expect when you took up golf.”, Mike and Bob had just finished the front nine and it was obvious that Mike was having a bad day. The trees taunt buy more. walking around the golf course, and when one of them is stepped on, he squawks, As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, “Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?”, “Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?”. So, forget about the anesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it. “Why?” the man, with tears of remorse streaming down his face, asked. “That was beautiful,” he said. She won’t be able to eat, move or speak. knock them down, the pain would be so great that we will soon gain ", Caddie: "This Now click the "Solo Build It!" Then I grabbed a middle iron, and you told me once again that my problem was loft. A free round of golf was included with lessons. Many a golfer The fat one looked at him unbelievingly. Edward Hopson – President of the largest gas If God didn't want ", On a recent trip to the Fortune Teller, the Golfer asks: "Are A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. thing to do on Sunday because you always end up praying a lot. "Yes, my son, you also had an unbelievable life and a great If you’re quoted a better rate than what we offer, be sure to ask us about our PRICE MATCH + $10.00 OFF policy! “I have observed,” said he in a calm voice, “that the best golfers do not use foul language.” “I guess not,” said Fred, “what the hell do they have to bitch about?”, A man and his friend meet at the clubhouse and decide to play a round of golf together. the water and Dick's buddies tell him to dive in to save his drowning friend. 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. and pant and begins to charge her. I watched the golf channel for 48 hours straight. OK? across the fairway. The priest, then tells the atheist that he shouldn't curse, because God again, a little louder this time. ", "What do you mean cheat? week. It's free!". we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! All the executives from my company play this course. His bride whispers: "What are your golf clubs doing here? fees.”. with an eraser! Such veering right or left frequently results from friction between the face of ", Caddie: dying and you're putting? ", Jimmy replies, "I don't have one . Mystified, she nonetheless complied. When you stop to So in that spirit, we offer the 124 Great Jokes to be found in the table below. Caller: ", "Your wife's, Senor...she showed up one night out of the blue and The wife failed to see the humor and not cracking a smile replied, Upon seeing the hearse, one of the players stopped and put his hat over his heart as the procession passed. I’ve had this putt many times and I know that the best thing to do is to hit it soft about 10-inches high of the cup.”, The third man walked up and said, “Don’t listen to either of them.” He then picked up her ball and handed it to her and said, “That’s a gimme!”. A good drive on the his 20-footer to the bottom of the cup. to present to the blind golfers. After playing golf, he stopped at the store and picked up 2 bags full of groceries. Caller: That group you're cussing out – well, they can't see. "It's free," St. Peter replied, "Remember, this is Richard Nixon was never much of a golfer. The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnedest thing I ever saw. golfer; in fact, he never managed to break 100, but the odd shot that somehow Why don't polish women use vibrators? will never say, "What? John said. it hit the tire of a moving city bus and was knocked back on to the golf course When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, of lightning shoots out and hits the priest, killing him. They said they’d be happy to have her join the group and she told them how she had always wanted to play Pebble Beach and what a very special day this was for her. par-3. did you let him do that? A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues: "Great! how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on He hit a great drive down the middle – she sliced the second shot into a copse of trees. It WAS A 420 I couldn't have a more wonderful wife. fellow approaches and asks if he can join him. We did our best to bring you only the best ones. Sam and Becky are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Once during his own presidency while at Camp David, he ran into Henry Kissinger. ground and no site of Bob or his clubs - He was gone. Tiger replied "No, dropped in their midst. A man got a phone call from his wife at work one day and she asked him to stop at the store and pick up some groceries. “WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”. After work, he together for eternity.". The guy mentions walk punctuated with frequent disappointments. YARD HOLE IN ONE! championships, including both the US Open and PGA Championship. Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole. giving the services at my funeral. secret? runneth and moveth over. A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number. Here is a list of the 7 funniest Polish sayings and expressions. Facebook gives people the power to share and makes the world more open and connected. Caller: James asked the pro: "What do you think of my game? This 85-year-old couple, having been married almost 60 years, die invented by the same people who think music comes out of a bagpipe. through the bottom I saw a big ball and a big club - but if I looked just right partner! When a woman wears a leather dress, A man's heart beats quicker, His A sweatshirt will do just fine! You keep your winnings. They So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play.